Dawn's Journal

2:46PM - Yes,but it's still the coldest place on Earth!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070516/sc_nm/antarctica_species_dc

Current mood: happy

1:58AM - Hooray for fudge!!!

http://health.msn.com/dietfitness/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100161451&GT1=9303

.....It's good for you.Period.
     [And it's especially good if you're having your period.]
{NO,not good......essential !!}
                 

Current mood: awake

12:30PM - !!

Oh,Andy just called to wish me a happy birthday.

           .....That brightens my day.I'm sure that my day will get better!

Current mood: hopeful

12:20PM

...So,I turned 21 at midnight today.It was 'totally awesome'. Actually,I was at Denny's at the time,hanging out with Katie Hanshue and some of her friends.I was not with Brian [ I'll go back and update later to catch everyone up on who Brian is].We had gotten into an argument earlier, I don't even know what about [Well, I do,but it really doesn't matter.I know we can work it out.]. I think,to the best of my knowledge,it went something like this:
   I thought that I was doing something with Hannah tonight,for my birthday,and then afterwards was doing something with Brian. Well,I called Hannah and she said that we weren't going out in the evening but that we could maybe go out later - well,I don't really want to go to a bar because I don't really drink and I don't want to be out late because we are all supposed to go to the zoo tomorrow [ I go to the zoo every year for my birthday]. That was the first thing that disappointed me.So I asked Hannah, "You're still coming to the zoo,right?" ...."Oh,I'm not sure if I am.".Ok.Sad.So,I texted Brian and told him that I didn't think that I would feel up to going out tonight,because I was sad and upset - also,Brian has to work,which is why we were meeting up later anyway.I didn't know what time he was getting off work,and I didn't want to be too tired for the zoo [ I am always cranky when I'm tired, and when I stay up late like I have been lately, I am wiped out by mid-afternoon].So he didn't message me back or call or acknowledge the message at all. I called him, and he was really aggravated that I didn't want to go out with him for my birthday.HELLO!?! I never said I didn't want to go out with HIM,I said I didn't want to go OUT.Then while we were talking,I said,"Ok,well,if I'm not going out with Hannah,why don't WE just go out later? I WANT to."...ok,ok,ok.That wasn't good enough for him either.I said something to the effect of  "well,you know,if you wanted to go out with me,I wouldn't have to ask you twice,you would just say 'ok,let's go out'.I'm not going to beg you to go out with me for my birthday and I'm not going to force you.I'm asking one more time,will you please go out with me?"  you know what that bastard said to me? : "No.I'm hanging up now,call me tomorrow and then I will tell you if I feel like going out with you." And he has the nerve to call ME manipulative! .And he accused me of cancelling on him because I made other plans [he THINKS]- with Matt or something -which is so not true.I talked to Matt online a short while ago and that asshole didn't even say happy birthday to me.Why would I want to spend my special day with him? I have no desire to spend any time at all with him.
What's also is stressing me out is this: Brian won't even say that I'm his girlfriend.He said something like "Why label it? It doesn't change how I feel about you." Which makes sense and I have to admit that not being his "official" girlfriend doesn't make me care about him any less,either.
    So far, I haven't gotten any text messages or emails or voicemails from anyone who wanted to wish me a happy birthday.Oh.wait,Kurt just IM'd me to say it.I went out with him and Andy for a short while last night before I went ot Denny's.
      So,I have no plans for tonight.It looks like I have a hot date with some homework  [And you know that Shakespeare was such a stud! ] and maybe a hot bath as well.As soon as I get home,my clothes are coming off,my PJs are coming on,and I am spending the evening alone.I mean ALONE,alone.Of course even on my birthday my step-mom will ignore me [ If she wouldn't say a word to me on Easter,why would she speak to me now?] and I'd bet good money that she also won't be baking me a cake.So, just like every other day,I will stay in my room. 
     Hannah just IM'd me to say 'happy birthday' and tell me that she IS going to the zoo [ Now I really do have to clean my car out! haha!! ] so that makes me feel a little better.Although she did make it clear that she has a time limit and that scheduling for the day is tight.I'm still disgruntled.I didn't realize that spending time with me on my birthday was such a damn hassle for everyone.I am not even excited about going ot the zoo anymore, I kind of want to just go by myself [which wouldn't be much fun] or not go.But if Brian still wants to go I will be really happy.If I ever get ahold of him.But,whatever.

Current mood: depressed

7:15AM - Hell has officially frozen over

Tri-C is   C-L-O-S-E-D.
The good news: No history today.I can stay in my nice,warm bed until I have to go to work.I don't have to drive to Parma in this snow!
The bad news: No pink frosted valentine cupcakes from Mrs. Hurst  : ( .I have to work later,but first I have to dig my car out - it's buried.
Perhaps we'll close early tonight due to weather? That would be great.
Back to sleep.
  

Current mood: thankful

6:05PM - It's an awfully cold day in Hell....

Tri- C has cancelled evening classes tonight.
And the snow continues to fall.

Current mood: amused

9:51PM - A MESSAGE TO ALL THE BOYS:

                 "They [boys] understand competition and anger in a way that girls don't...More than that,they seem to understand who they are and who they're supposed to be.The only commandment boys seem to live by is ' thou shalt be strong to the point of being cocky.' That means pedaling their bikes toward three-foot-tall ramps without fearing broken ribs.It means taking a sucker punch without squealing.It means knowing how to change tires,drive nails,throw spirals,and unhook girls' bras without looking. And while I don't think I would be any good at being a boy,given that I am constantly afraid,constantly crying,and characteristically weak,I envy the fact that boyhood's rules are so consistent.Being male is not a mess of contradictions,the way being female is.It is not trying to resolve how to be both desirable and smart,soft and sturdy,emotional and capable.It seems boys come off the assembly line finished,and we're he ones left wanting."
                              - Zailckas,Koren.Smashed:Story of a Drunken Girlhood.Viking Press,2005.p. 18.

      We are very insecure.There is seemingly no way to avoid this.It is nobody's fault really,it seems to be the result of the way we are regarded by society in general.Society tells us we are weak and emotional,that without men we are somehow inferior.We are expected to be so many things to so many people and sometimes we just fall apart.This is how problems like alcohol/drug abuse and eating disorders develop.There are so many things going on inside of us,and so many forces tugging us in so many different directions.There seems to be no way to deal with this without some form of criticism: If we complain,we are whiny.If we ask for help,we are too needy,too weak. If we crack under the pressure, we are crazy.If we lash out,well then we are just bitchy - or maybe it's just PMS. It's hard to be everything at once,to live up to what everyone expects you to be,when there are so many generalizations and stereotypes.With all this pressure,it is especially hard to know who we are and be true to ourselves.We are seen as inferior beings because we are not afraid to cry or show emotion.It's hard when you don't know who you are and where you fit into it all.Being female does not make us less than you.But society tells us differently.We have to be so thin,so pretty,so smart,so sexy,a good girl,a bad girl,pure,loose,compassionate,competent...all at the same time.And some of us really do seem to have it all,but I assure you that is just a facade.Even the most 'together' women doubt themselves and their actions.It is difficult to be sure of ourselves when we are constantly being compared to not only the men but to each other.Girls really don't like each other very much - it's the old 'keep your friends close and your enemies even closer' - because we are so much in competiton with each other.It seems that we have to work at least twice as hard as men at everything in order to get anywhere,and since the human condition is to be generally selfish we will do whatever it takes.We backstab each other but are nice to each others'  faces.Not always,not to all other girls,but in general.Of course this makes us look like controlling,jealous,bitches,but as long as we get what we want we will keep at it.We are insecure and jealous because we are so unsure of ourselves.If there is another girl who is good at the same things or has the same interests then she is a threat.I think this is because we are,as a group,so lost that we feel like our very identity is being threatened by this other girl."If she is just as good or better than me at { fill in the blank},then who am I?I was the {talent} girl,but now people will think of her when they think of {blank}.So what's my 'thing'? Who am I?" It seems to take away from what makes 'me' special as a person.I know it really doesn't make me any less better at {blank} and I should appreciate {other girl} for what makes her special,but I feel like I lost a part of me to her and I am left empty,back to the beginning and having to find my place again.
                  Please remember that we are very fragile,and that there is nothing wrong with that.Yes,I cry a lot.It's ok  for me to get angry and scream and yell. It does not mean that I have PMS - it means that I am angry [probably at you,but not necessarily]. Showing these feelings does not change who I am,and I should not have be ashamed of them.Emotions are beautiful,and even when I feel angry or sad I am thankful that at least I can feel something.These feelings of despair do not last forever but they take time to get over.Most of all,we need you to be patient.It frustrates us that we seem out of control with our emotions compared to you because you all seem like robots.Everything seems so much easier for you and leaves us wondering what we are doing wrong [which only adds to the stress and insecurity].But there is nothing wrong with us.If anything,this makes us stronger than you in a way,and we are more sure of ourselves than you in the way that we can show these emotions to the world - but you make us feel like this makes you superior to us because you can be so much more 'in control'.At least we can still feel.And that truly is beautiful.
    Also remember that we are not perfect.We know this.But neither are you,and you don't seem to know that fact.Please make a note of it.We will still love you anyway.And we would like to be able to feel like you would still love us,too,but there is that big hole of doubt.We need encouragement.We need reassurance.We need validation.It's just sometihng girls need.We need to feel not only wanted but needed - because if you don't need us,it's only a matter of time before you leave and find someone else.And that brings even more doubt and insecurity [the inner conversation of "how is she better than me?what does she have that I don't?etc,etc,..."] Ugh.We really do love you but you infuriate us.
 Men: can't live with 'em,can't kill 'em without going to prison.
                     Thank you.That is all for now.

Current mood: frustrated

11:07PM

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16785254/?GT1=8921

Current mood: numb

4:52PM

This picture always makes me smile.And I could really use a smile right now.

Current mood: distressed

8:50PM

My friends made this ridiculous movie last weekend :  
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zCVD5-MW-CM

It's so funny.But so awesome.They are going to Washington,D.C. this weekend for a pro-choice rally and they plan on making another little film......They mentioned something about dancing in front of the White House.I'm just waiting to see them on the evening news.They are so goofy,I love them.

Current mood: amused

4:18PM

School so far has been really great.Survey of Juvenile Fiction is definitely my favorite class.I have to admit, I am loving that 2 hour break between Speech and Juvenile Fiction.I have time to get some lunch and time to read.My Juvenile Fiction classroom is at the end of the "B" hallway,and I swear it's the sunniest spot in the whole school.When the sun is shining brightly,like it was on wednesday,and even when it's not,like on friday.I love going down to the end of the hallway and just sitting on the floor over there,reading.I'm currently reading two books: "The Little Prince" [for class] and "Smashed:Story of a Drunken Girlhood".It's about the drinking epidemic among young girls.I don't drink,but I know plenty of people who abuse alcohol.Over winter break I read "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk.I didn't really like it at first,but I'm not the type to give up on books.Sometimes it's out of sheer morbid curiosity,but I have to know what happens.The only book I never finished was called "The Little Friend" by Donna Tart.It was terrible.It was a mystery,but it moved slower than molasses.I lent it to my friend Cynthia at work before I even finished reading it and then begged her to tell me what happened.Guess what?You never find out what happens.There's no "who done it".The murder goes unsolved,the story just ends.I'm glad I didn't waste my time finishing it.I would have chucked the book out the window if I had gotten all the way to that ending.Anyway,"Choke" was really good.It's been on my list of 'books to read' for awhile,ever since I heard about it from a kid I went to high school with.He made it sound so funny when he described it,but then this kid could make just about anything hilarious.It wasn't terribly funny but it was amusing.The plot was very original and the characters were believable.They could be real people,they have flaws that make them three-dimensional to the reader.It's about this guy who is a med school dropout that works as a re-enactor at a colonial village.He hops around to different sex-addiction workshops and hooks up with a lot of girls there.His mom is crazy and is very physically sick as well,so to pay for her hospitalization he goes to a different restaurant every night and chokes on his dinner - the people who 'save' him then go on to send him money.He goes a little crazy himself and,while attempting -in a marginal way - to become a better person, ends up thinking that he is the second coming of Jesus Christ,and proceeds to choke his mother to death [accidentally] on a spoonful of chocolate pudding.That's not even the best part;it has a surprise that comes near the very end.I loved it and would definitely recommend reading it.
        

Current mood: mellow

5:01PM - This year has GOT to be better than last year.......

For the first time in almost three months,I feel great.

Well,that's not true.But compared to how I've been feeling,especially during the past month,I feel better.Right now that may be the best I can hope for.
I'm starting to feel optimistic again.I go back to school tomorrow and I am determined to do it right this time.My first semester was very rough,and I was feeling like a failure because I could have done so much better.It was really difficult for me because I had been out of school for two years and I was having trouble getting back into the habit of being a student.The problem is,I was a terrible student in high school - I never did my homework,but my test scores were always great.Except in math,of course.Ugh.Math.I really struggled with math last semester.But it's a new year,and now that I know what to expect from college I know I can do better this time.It helps that I have Mrs. Hurst again this semester for two of my classes; my favorite teacher,the two classes that I am most excited about.I only have classes on monday/wednesday/friday,from 8am-2pm.I am only going to work after school and on saturdays,so I will have tuesdays and thursdays completely free to do homework.I honestly have no idea what I am going to do with myself,how I am going to be able to make this whole "school" thing better,and I am incredibly nervous.But I think it will turn out for the best.I hope.I have to hope ["you can't give up hope just because it's hopeless...you have to hope even harder,and cover your ears,and go, 'blah,blah,blah,blah,blah!'....I'D ALSO LIKE A PACK MULE!"].I am going to try very hard this semester to do my best.Nothing is in my way except myself,and I really need to step aside and let me do this! I want to accomplish a lot but I know I can do it.

Current mood: optimistic